How can I know that I exist? This question, though formed differently, has plagued me for most of my life. I followed teacher after teacher, looking for the answer to that. I’ve inquired endlessly using the Living Inquiries, and seen through countless stories about myself, others, life, existence. I’ve felt at times crystal clear seeing, completely in love with all of life, even the unpleasant or unhappy moments – the ALL of life. I’ve learned to let all thoughts, feelings and sensations be, knowing absolutely that they weren’t me, and I feel incredible lightness and freedom in that. And yet often, even in the lightness and freedom, there was this subtle sense of me-ness lurking in the background.
I’m a ‘1’ on the enneagram. That means I’m a perfectionist. (Read Scott Kiloby’s article, A Perfectionists Call in Life ) I’ve inquired into these traits in myself from many different angles, and seen through much of it. And yet I can hardly believe that with all of the looking I’ve done, I haven’t yet looked for the command to be perfect.
In my morning inquiry today, I saw that was feeling responsible for something. So I started the inquiry looking for the one who is responsible, yet again, for what feels like the millionth time. The words appeared, “I have to be perfect.” Finally, it was right here in front of me to look at – the perfectionist. So I looked both for the command to be perfect and the self who has to be perfect.
It was a quick looking – a couple of pictures, some words.
Then… a ‘sense of me’, and ‘there’s an intelligence here’.
It’s that ‘Sense of an Intelligence Here’ that seemed to form what we call a person – the core of the me-ness. It’s hard to describe really – that sense of intelligence. I haven’t quite seen it like this before. It’s like that sense of intelligence is the only way I could know that I exist as a life form. It’s what seems to claim ownership of all of the thoughts, feelings and experiences. As I rested with that sense, and let that be too, I could find no command on it to be perfect. As I looked deeper, I saw that it’s not me.
Then the question came, if that’s not me, then what is? The realization dawned that, if that’s not me, then nothing is. And that energy that I was calling a ‘sense of intelligence’ also dissolved – it doesn’t exist either. There was no longer a sense of a ‘me’ or an ‘it’.
I’m still finding this fascinating. And fun. And funny. I have no conclusions here. Just the comic relief that what I always assumed was me, even though I couldn’t really put my finger on it, or name it, isn’t. So is anything different? No. Not a thing. There’s no big bang here. Just the same old, same old. Only now with even less of a sense of me here. That was just another story that got looked at and seen through. I’ll keep looking as they come up. Will you join me in the looking?